Musings of a mind attempting to organize the chaos

There are so many thoughts that float around my brain, it’s maddening much of the time.  Trying to focus on the positive, and as the old song says, eliminate the negative but it’s so hard. Currently, I’m reading something that, while some of her hairy-fairy-ness (which is saying something coming from me!) irritates me, when I can get past that and she gets to the heart of her message, it really is speaking to me- essentially, at this point, you have to refrain from slipping back into your old bad habits or negativity and self-doubt.  And they are very much old, bad habits.  As bad as they are, they familiar and, perhaps, serve a purpose?  I don’t know.  There’s so very much that I don’t know.  And at 39, I feel as though I should but I think that that’s the lie that our society sells, “You’ll just *know* when you’re older.” (It's not an outright statement but it does seem to be implied and awful lot!)  But I don’t and the more I talk to other people my age, the more I realize that we are all struggling.

                There are things that I empirically understand.  I understand that jealousy is pointless, and I am a very jealous person.  As is regret.  I realize that the decisions that I have made in my life were made for reasons, some impulsively, some through thoughtful choice and consideration, and that no matter how hard I wish I could go back and get “do-overs” on some of them (okay, maybe MANY of them) that if the situation were the exact same that I would probably do precisely what I did, that the choice would be the choice, would be the choice, would *always* be the choice.  I also understand that the path that I am walking, the journey that I am taking in this life is my own, my own lessons and accomplishments that I must do and so to compare myself to another human being, who has his or her own path to walk and lessons to learn that are different from my own, is pointless.  It serves no purpose.  But it is an old, destructive to habit to look and others and think, “I wish I had…”  You may wish for it but you may not want to have gone through the things that that person had gone through in order for them to have whatever it is you desire.  When I get caught and mired in that cycle of negativity and “I wish I had...” and jealousy, I try to stop and remember to be grateful for all that I do have.  I try to stop and remember that there are a lot of blessing and things in my life that people all over the world would be do happy have.  And I try to stop and remember that to some people I am that person that others look at and think, “I wish I had what she has!” I really do try to be grateful for the gifts that I have been given, for they are many, and really, despite my stupid drama, I am doing just fine.  I just need to remember that.  Despite my chaotic thinkings, I am doing just fine

The Whisper of God

Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote, "Let us be silent that we may hear the whisper of God." (I'm not that well- read. It was stitched on a cross-stitch, but none the less...) When I saw it I had one of those Eureka! moments; an epiphany of great import. Words on a cross-stitch from a poet spoke to me and those words left a deep imprint upon my soul.

I think it's always assumed that because God is so great, so profoundly awesome (in the traditional sense of the word as opposed to the less inspiring, modern vernacular) that God is bombastic and loud; that His influence upon us is terrible and grand, but I believe that God, who has made things as wondrous and multi-hued as sunsets and fields of wildflowers, is much subtler than that. God's influence is not bombastic. More often it is the voice in the back of one's head saying, "Perhaps, you should do this..." And because He loves us, God gives us a choice. "Yes, perhaps we should do this, but I think I'll choose this instead..."

I believe that whisper of God, or conscience or whatever you choose to call it, was once so much easier for us to hear, before we, as a species, got too smart for our own good and created the chaos that surrounds us. We've gotten louder. Our lives, everything around us, have gotten louder and so we shout over the cacophony of sound and light and over-stimulation. It's hard to find peace and quiet in a world like that. We shout. God does not.

My personal challenge to myself, that came out of the retreat, was to hear God's voice more clearly. I know God is always with me and tries to help me to be the best possible version of myself. I wouldn't say that I've stopped listening to God but I would admit that He's harder to hear and that by making different choices I've strayed a bit from where God intended me to be. My challenge is to drown out the noise, put aside things that can wait, and to just stop and listen to God's whisper. It's always there. If you stop for a moment, I know you'll hear God, too. After all, he's always there, waiting for us to listen.