Musings of a mind attempting to organize the chaos

There are so many thoughts that float around my brain, it’s maddening much of the time.  Trying to focus on the positive, and as the old song says, eliminate the negative but it’s so hard. Currently, I’m reading something that, while some of her hairy-fairy-ness (which is saying something coming from me!) irritates me, when I can get past that and she gets to the heart of her message, it really is speaking to me- essentially, at this point, you have to refrain from slipping back into your old bad habits or negativity and self-doubt.  And they are very much old, bad habits.  As bad as they are, they familiar and, perhaps, serve a purpose?  I don’t know.  There’s so very much that I don’t know.  And at 39, I feel as though I should but I think that that’s the lie that our society sells, “You’ll just *know* when you’re older.” (It's not an outright statement but it does seem to be implied and awful lot!)  But I don’t and the more I talk to other people my age, the more I realize that we are all struggling.

                There are things that I empirically understand.  I understand that jealousy is pointless, and I am a very jealous person.  As is regret.  I realize that the decisions that I have made in my life were made for reasons, some impulsively, some through thoughtful choice and consideration, and that no matter how hard I wish I could go back and get “do-overs” on some of them (okay, maybe MANY of them) that if the situation were the exact same that I would probably do precisely what I did, that the choice would be the choice, would be the choice, would *always* be the choice.  I also understand that the path that I am walking, the journey that I am taking in this life is my own, my own lessons and accomplishments that I must do and so to compare myself to another human being, who has his or her own path to walk and lessons to learn that are different from my own, is pointless.  It serves no purpose.  But it is an old, destructive to habit to look and others and think, “I wish I had…”  You may wish for it but you may not want to have gone through the things that that person had gone through in order for them to have whatever it is you desire.  When I get caught and mired in that cycle of negativity and “I wish I had...” and jealousy, I try to stop and remember to be grateful for all that I do have.  I try to stop and remember that there are a lot of blessing and things in my life that people all over the world would be do happy have.  And I try to stop and remember that to some people I am that person that others look at and think, “I wish I had what she has!” I really do try to be grateful for the gifts that I have been given, for they are many, and really, despite my stupid drama, I am doing just fine.  I just need to remember that.  Despite my chaotic thinkings, I am doing just fine